Welcoming Wounds in Relationship
Have you every wondered why you attract the same types of partners or relationships?
Most of us carry wounds from our childhood that, whether we are conscious of it or not, impact our romantic relationships. Modern psychologists have said that we recreate our relationships from our wounds, meaning, we subconsciously attract those who will ‘re-wound’ us the ways that we were wounded as children (emotionally, spiritually, physically). Even if we say or think we don’t want these relationships, the cycles will subconsciously repeat over and over again until the root cause is addressed. We can take many paths when looking at the root cause of our suffering, including meditation, attachment theory, and healing ancestral trauma. In my experience, it is completely possible to untangle yourself from the patterns of childhood wounding. With patience, love, and proper tools, anyone can transform their relationships in to a playground where each person supports the other in working with their wounds!
In the process of communicating our wounds, we will likely come up against some discomfort and contraction. Perhaps the act of sharing makes us afraid our partners will judge or leave us. Perhaps what our partners share triggers our own insecurities and doubts, and we find ourselves unable to be present. Opening through closure is the key to staying connected in a moment of discomfort.
In your insecurity, rage, grief, and shame, can you keep your heart open?
The more we share, the easier it gets. When each person communicates their personal traumas, wounds, and triggers, it empowers the relationship. Couples who listen and receive each other fully, without letting their egos take over, are more likely to make progress. The term “holding space” gets thrown around a lot, but what does it actually mean? Holding space is the act of being present for oneself or another to be as they are. It is a time for listening with openness and compassion. It does not include giving advice or spiritual guidance. When you are listening to another share a wound, do you notice your mind making it about you? Or perhaps, you find yourself thinking you know what’s best from them? Deep listening is listening purely as a means to relieve confusion and suffering, while being aware of one’s own preferences and judgements. It is listening heart-to-heart, rather than mind-to-mind.
Here are some ideas on how to connect while sharing wounds:
Do a weekly or monthly check-in during which each person practices “holding space” for the other (deeply listening without feedback)
Share experiences together for the parasympathetic nervous system to activate (yoga, meditation, time in nature, massage)
Create your own support network (friends/mentors/therapists) so that you are constantly processing and evolving
Hold boundaries for your sharing - sharing openly doesn’t always mean sharing everything.
Set the tone in the beginning with an intention, talk a walk or have a dance party after to neutralize and uplift and space.
If you would like to go deeper in the realm of healing through relationship, please feel free to reach out and connect with me over a session.